Explosion Page

This is what I’ve been working on for the past 2 weeks.  I had made a prototype out of heavy paper and it looked like it would work.  This is all Little Yellow Bicycle products except for a couple of items.  The picture gives a good idea of what it looks like, but it’s more impressive in person.  It is my entry for the Crop-A-Latte meeting next month.

If you want to try, it’s just four 12X12 sheets of cardstock taped on the back, then treated as a 24X24 sheet.  The rest is simple origami.

Here is the closed version.  I normally would not put cardstock on the outside as it won’t be visible in an album.  I intend to show “ala-carte”.

Here is the open version.

 

 

Men Are Just Happier People—

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is    just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress, $5000. Tux rental, $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

The Queen & I

I talk about her a lot, and I have posted tiny pics of her.  Here is a picture of the Queen when we took our Alaska cruise.  The only two problems with the cruise was she has a problem with motion sickness and she is deathly afraid of water.  The motion sickness was taken care of with patches.  I had her all set with the water fear thing because it is a very big ship (The Radiance of the Seas), but then on the very first day we had the obligatory Life Jacket Drill.  It was a little tense for a while.

The Queen & I

 

Once she found out she was stuck on a floating mall, she settled right in, and was thrilled when she found all the shops in port.

We took the train ride in Skagway, scaled a cliff in Juneau (actually we rode the elevator), saw pieces of ice as big as the ship break off Hubbard Glacier, and checked out the red light district in Ketchikan.

Here is an almost perfect photo.  I wanted to take a photo of the huge glass wall on the side of the ship.  It wasn’t until I got home and had the film developed that I saw the reflection in the glass.

 

Almost perfection.

 

This is old, but I’ve always seemed to relate to it … toomuch.

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

    I am writing in response to your request, for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form.  I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident.  You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks.  You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

    I refer you again to my weight.  As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

 

 

My Hat

I lost my most favorite cap, it was from Scrappin’ Sports & More.  

My long lost hat.

It was given to me by Jennifer at Lasting Memories.  It had my Northwest Paper Chase pin and an Embrace Imperfection pin.  I wear that hat to all scrapping events and garage saleing.   I lost it on Saturday or Sunday, but I can’t, for the life of me, remember where I went or where I may have left it.

 

 

Mother Said

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

 

The Teacher Is In

Today I taught a “Waterfall” class.  I had only one student.  One thing I learned was to do all the basic cutting beforehand.  I cannot believe how difficult it can be to use a paper trimmer.  And, are girls just not taught how to use a ruler?  3/8th of an inch is bigger than 1/4th of an inch and smaller than 1/2 of an inch.  If you are going to do crafting you have to know this stuff.

 

My wife left me.  She went to Eastern Washington to visit family.  So I had to do actual chores. I had to water the plants, feed the dog twice a day, entertain company from her side of the family (who live in Eastern Washington … I don’t ask), and feed myself.  I have managed to survive, but I am very happy to have “my people” back.

 

I have two more classes scheduled for next month.  I hope somebody signs up.

 

This is for my friend Sandi who lives in AZ.  She says she lives in the mountain area so the heat does not affect her.  This poor fellow is a different story.

 

Livin’ in Arizona

May 30th: Just moved to Arizona .  Now this is a state that knows how to live!!  Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful.  I’ve finally found my home.  I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up .  Got to 100 today. Not a problem.  Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun
worshipper.
 
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks What a breeze to maintain.  No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.  By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the
upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit… I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th: The wind sucks . It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!  And it’s hot as hell.  The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed
to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $225,000 house and I can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
 
Aug. 4th: Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
 
Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, ‘Hot enough for you today?’   I’m going  to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over,  my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
 
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
 
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording.  Hot and sunny.  Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do squat for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn desert?  Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat.
 
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield of the car.  The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?”
 
My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.”

 

I’m back

I have had a horrid 3 week backache, but with the help of drugs I am now vertical and ambulatory.  Went to my Cropp-a-Latte event and won a “Little Yellow Bicycle” care package which came in special carrying bag.  I wish I had taken a photo of it to show you, because it is now in pieces in preparation of a new life.

I am now an official “teacher”.  I taught my first class last Thursday, with 3 real paying students.  It went fairly well as it was just an explosion box class.  One thing I learned was perhaps I should invest in my own tools for classes.  I had the students using the store tools.  They were dull, bent out of shape, and filthy.

I would like to build 5 or 6 kits containing; trimmer, scissors, ruler, fine black pen, hole punch, ink pad, emery board, craft knife, cutting mat, stylus, corner rounder, bone, and adhesive applicator.  I think retail would be somewhere between $80 and $100.  The store I teach at gives me a 20% discount, which is nice, but I would rather use my 40% at Mikes, & Jo’s.  Still it is quite spendy

 

What I’d really like to do is teach outside of a store and sell my own stuff.

 

How many craft teachers out there?  Do you limit class sizes?  Any suggestions?

 

This from my friend Ki;

 

The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Buster, my Lab at Wal-Mart and was standing in line about to check out.  A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was ‘where is your sign lady’ but decided to go with it…SO…on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina weight loss Diet again.  I also told her I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete… so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least.  Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit us both.  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.  WAL-MART asked me not to shop there any more.